So, I finally settled down with my beloved to watch Andy Dwyer pretend to be Han Solo. And we were pretty psyched. We were ready, we were in the mood, we wanted to be entertained…

And while it has a certain loose limbed charm (mostly thanks to Chris Pratt being… well, Chris Pratt) we were disappointed. Any time I find myself checking my phone during a movie, I know it’s bad. And yeah, any movie that features Chris Pratt doing silly dancing, can’t be ALL bad, I know. But still, by the end, we just sort of shrugged.

I’d take SERENTIY (or FIREFLY) over this movie any day. Hell, I’d take FLASH GORDON, SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE, or even THE ICE PIRATES over GUARDIANS if I want something truly entertaining.

THAT’S RIGHT! SPACEHUNTER! You heard correctly. You have a problem with that?!

God, I used to love this film. But Mostly, what I remember now? Peter Strauss’ sexy android sidekick (and just how much that that implies), and the moment when her face melts. And the mighty Michael Ironside as Overdog… to hell with Vader. Overdog for the win.

I’ve not seen THE ICE PIRATES since the 80’s. But I used to like it quite a bit. I know because we rented it more than once on VHS. What do I remember about it? Not a lot. The castration scene, and our ‘heroes’ pretending to be eunuchs by speaking in high voices and something about a space weevil, which I remember as being very funny. I suspect that it’s the kind of film, better not revisted for fear or ruining what happy memories I have… anyone enlighten me?

Shamefully, I’ve never seen STAR CRASH. But it looks more fun than GUARDIANS to me.

Of course the greatest STAR WARS ripoff would have been STARKILLER, starring Bob Picardo, as seen here in the wonderful – if flawed – EXPLORERS. I love this sequence. I love Bob Picardo. I love Joe Dante. And yes, I love STAR KILLER. If only this movie were real…

It occurs to me that if GUARDIANS had been made by Amblin Entertainment in the 1980’s, Joe Dante might have been their choice for director. THAT would have been a movie worth watching!

All in all, I think it’s time that I part ways with Marvel Movies. They’re really not for me.

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