Not all academics can be cured

Last year was a bit of a roller coaster.

So far this year is off to a decent start. I’m feeling in a good place personally and creatively. Which is nice. A return to personal creative projects – fiction in prose or script form – has been a long time coming. The itch has become ever more insistent and I feel like my perspective has returned changed, and grown.

I mean, there are probably too many ideas floating around, but I’m also less precious about them. I’ve got story ideas to spare. Many of them aren’t ones I would be right to take the distance. But I’m in a better place these days to know I can maybe get them somewhere/to some ONE who could knock them out the park.

It’s nice to notice changes, see the markers that say we’re still growing. I think I have in this last couple of years. I think too that growth connotes an amount of healing.

Not that I don’t still think there’s a lot to unpick, unpack and course correct as well – I’m being assessed for autism as well, now that we’ve confirmed the ADHD, which means there’s a lifetime of ‘masking’ to get beyond and undo. But that’s a good thing too. I’m getting closer to me, and to being able to BE me more fully and openly. Wholly, and joyfully.

Show Us Who You Are


Today I finished Show Us Who You Are by Elle McNicholl her superb follow up to the brilliant A Kind Of Spark.

Once again I felt seen, and was folding pages for all the moments that nail the Neurodivergent experience that I don’t find elsewhere.

Once again I find myself reaching for a way to describe how remarkable it is to see my experience written on the page so clearly, without fuss or shame. Like David Almond, Elle’s prose has the clarity and seeming simplicity of haiku…

And like haiku it cuts through all the bullshit to get to the actuality of the thing, the essence of, in this case, Neurodivergent experience. In clean, clear, compelling writing she will tell you what’s what, show you what it means and how it feels… and break your heart doing it. Here is joy and hope and courage, fear and guilt and shame. Righteous anger and an utter lack of pretence. This is #ownvoices writing without the mask and it is beautiful.

Thank you @ed_pr for sending me an early copy, and @_KnightsOf for publishing it. It deserves all the accolades that #AKindOfSpark got all over again!

Haiku Eyes

Homeschooling. Part of our routine is Poetry on a Sunday morning.

We read and we discuss, or we watch poetry being performed. Today we started a book about haiku, and I really enjoyed it.

So much so that I wrote my first and in a perfect world I’d love think that I might write them daily. There is something gently wonderful. A moment of awareness and depth and presence.

For my first I tried to follow the guidelines (although it’s the next chapter that takes us step by step).

3 lines. 17 syllables. Using the traditional Japanese form of 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 again in the third line. This was my first attempt:

Dripping tap, drip drip –
Counting time in to the sink
Listen without fear.

I felt quite pleased with that. Then I read a bit further and saw the note that in English it’s best to just go for 3 lines and fewer syllables, but rather that the whole thing be a single breath. So, I cut two words and felt better.

Dripping tap
Counting time into the sink
Listen with out fear.

I like that better. But is it a single breath? I’m not sure. The last line feels like a second breath to me, but I’m going to stick with it. I could rework it more, infact I sat here and started drafting it a bit further, but that feels wrong. The version I have captures the moment. Me, alone in the kitchen, the sound of the drip, the passing of time, a moment of awareness.

Reworking hours later feels anathema. Academic. Missing the point of the exercise somehow. So I’ll stick with that and see if I can can do more, because I enjoyed it. I like limits and constrictions on creative exercises. It becomes about how to solve a puzzle or bend the rules while meeting them for me.

That, in itself, is fun.

John Carpenter and Me

John Carpenter Ready to End his 10 year Directing Hiatus — Cannes — World  of Reel

I had some fun listing my favourite George Romero movies a little while ago and thought I’d do the same with another “master of horror”. So here we go, this is how John Carpenter shakes out for me. This is not a BEST OF ranking, which would have a different set of concerns. This is all about my favourites. What means the most to me, what I watch or consistently want to rewatch of his work (features only and only those I’ve seen, hence no TV movies and a couple of features missing that I’ve never gotten around to). This is personal. I’ll brook no arguments, it’s about me and John. My feelings don’t invalidate your feelings. But this list is about me.

1/ THE THING (1982) – Obvious it may be, but I really had to fight myself on this because honestly, I just love THE FOG so much. It’s a warm blanket of a horror film. But THE THING is a close to perfect movie and so it took the title. What more can I say?

2/ THE FOG (1980) – I fucking love this film. It’s just such a delight, a comfort movie that is nonetheless filled with scares and suspense. It is, as the opening sets it up to be, a spooky story told around the campfire, and I’m a kid again getting just the right amount of shiver to make it fun without actually traumatising me. Also, Adrienne Barbeau and that lighthouse *chef’s kiss*

3/ PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1987) – This was another one where two films went head to head for the higher spot in the charts. Previously I think I would have said ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13, but of late, I’ve really come around to just the incredible mood that Carpenter achieves in PRINCE OF DARKNESS.

4/ ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (1976) – For many years ASSAULT occupied the number 1 spot in my Carpenter movie love, but it’s fallen in recent time. Maybe I’ve seen it too often, maybe it’s that occasional Carpenter flaw whereby the pace doesn’t shift with the stakes, so sometimes just doesn’t get my heart pumping. ASSAULT is still a classic though. Beautifully made, and THAT. FUCKING. SCORE!

5/ DARK STAR (1974) – Love this one. Love it. A perfect satirical rebuke to Kubrick’s highminded staidness. Carper and O’Bannon have their eyes on actual humanity. The working class schlub’s that would end up stuck out there in space trying not to get cabin fever, trying not to go mad. I think this is a glory of a film. Probably as much O’Bannon as it is Carpenter (I really wish they’d worked together more, the mix of O’Bannon’s writing with Carpenter’s visuals has something really special).

6/ BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986) – Another film that once upon a time ranked higher, but familiarity breeds, well, it’s never going to breed contempt for this one, it’s too likeable for that, but it doesn’t get the belly laughs from me that it used to. Still, the wry commentary on the white american hero as protagonist is to die for and the performances are all round amazing. Everyone shines in this movie. It remains a dazzling delight and if there are days when it doesn’t raise quite the smile it once did for me, there’s always the option to watch it with the commentary track. That always does the trick.

7/ IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS (1995) – The last film that we could safely call a masterpiece within the ouvre? Maybe, but the opening credits riff on Metallica’s Enter Sandman should have faded out much sooner, it takes some getting over what is ultimately a lightweight and all too obvious copy of a track I’m guessing was too costly to license. It consistently throws me out of the movie. But then there’s John Glover as a delightfully untrustworthy looking doctor and Sam Neill firing on all cylinders, and all is right with the world.

8/ MEMOIRS OF AN INVISIBLE MAN (1992) – Laugh all you like, I think this is a really well made, really entertaining movie. My friend Ed King (programmer of Dublin’s Horrorthon) said it best when he called it Carpenter’s NORTH BY NORTHWEST. It’s exactly that kind of movie. If it’s a bit of a project for hire with Carpenter having less influence over the script, so be it. I wish he’d had more, been able to inject a little extra of that Hawksian magic that’s running in his veins, but I like this film a lot. More than I like NORTH BY NORTHWEST if I’m honest.

9/ THEY LIVE (1988) – When it’s good, it is so very VERY good, but when it is bad, it is sluggish. Nonetheless, the set up and the central premise are done so well, and OMG a WORKING CLASS PROTAGONIST???? I mean, how many of those do we really see in American movies, much less genre movies? Some will say the alley fight is stupid, some will claim that it’s a metaphor. I just think that it’s one of the greatest and funniest fistfights ever filmed. 

10/ HALLOWEEN (1978) – I can hear you screaming at me for this one, but look, it’s just never connected with me like that. It’s well made, Carpenter and Hill achieve wonders on their budget and with a minimalist script that could have been so fucking bad, but… it’s never scared me. It’s influential, it’s solidly made it’s a watershed, but it just never pierced my heart. It might also have something to do with the my feeling that the lauded opening POV panaglide shot is, for me, easily the weakest moment in the movie. It commits a singularly ridiculous sin for me in that the Camera/Michael looks up at his own hand up in the air as it raises and plunges off camera into his first victim. I get why: it hides the need for a convincing effect, an effect that might have been too much for first time viewers given the POV nature of the shot. But it makes no sense diegetically. It threw me out of the movie the first time I saw it and it does the same thing every time I give it another try. I enjoy the rest of the movie, but I just don’t think of it that way. It doesn’t give me all those feels you kept telling me about.

11/ GHOSTS OF MARS (2001) – Granted I’ve not rewatched this in years, but that first time has stuck with me, because this movie got SHIT ON when it came out, and I didn’t have much hope from the stills that I was seeing. But, you know what? I had a great time with this movie. It was well made, unpretentious fun that I thought was more satisfying that ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK. Boom! Suck it haters!

12/ CHRISTINE (1983) – This is creeping up the lsit. I won’t be at all surprised if it were to shake out higher if I write this again ina few years time. It helps now that it’s available for all to see in widescreen. And probably that I have now read the novel, and realise that it really does get the feel of the book and that 80’s King vibe all around. I’m still always amazed and amused by the way American High Schools on screen consistently have pupils who appear to be in the 30’s or 40’s, but what do I know. Back in the 70’s and 80’s the mass-availability of pizza and the sight of American fire hydrants was as exotic to me as anything else. 

13/ STARMAN (1984) – It’s the performances that sell this one, and the early sequences where Carpenter brings in the most style. The film is a touch middle of the road for me, but Jeff Bridges, Karen Allen, Charlie Martin Smith, Carpenter puts them front and centre and lets them carry it. More power to him. It’s a classic and classy Howard Hawks move.

14/ ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK (1981) – I’ve tried. Really I have. Repeatedly. I’ve bought many editions of this over the years and I have to say I LOVE the early scenes. But once Snake gets to New York, it never quite picks up the pace for me. Never seems to hit home. I’m watching snake do cool stuff and all these awesome character actors doing cool things, but it never quite clicks for me. Again there’s something in the pacing. We have a ticking clock, the micro explosives in Snake will explode if he doesn’t get back in time… but he never seems to be worrying about that. Never quite feels like it’s a driving concern to get this done fast, and Carpenter’s classical framing and use of the panaglide don’t help him. I mean, it’s gorgeously shot, but I always felt like New York needed to feel like a full on MAD MAX movie. I wanted that insanity , that drive, that adrenaline, and it never gets there.

15/ JOHN CARPENTER’S VAMPIRES (1998) – I’m looking at this one languishing down here near the bottom and I’m wondering if I should maybe bump it higher, because in some ways I think it’s a better film than STARMAN. But if we’re talking favourites… then here it stays. As it goes I think VAMPIRES is much better than it’s reputation. And that opening sequence is superb (it’s the moment that it becomes just another day at the job doing their ugly business as they drag the vampires one after another into the sun), but not unlike GHOSTS OF MARS, you really have to see it as a Western. It’s also the case that the protagonists are, to a man unlikeable. Now, I happen to think that’s the point. If James Woods’ character were wearing old worn-in comfy jeans and a beat up leather jacket like Indiana Jones, that would say one thing. But he wears crisp, overtight, dark blue jeans with his T-shirt tucked in (despite the heat), a seemingly brand new black leather biker jacket and has clearly been dying his hair. There is a carapace of vanity about this spiteful, frankly poisonous guy, no matter that he’s doing “god’s work”. And that’s interesting. That angle of unpleasant Peckinpah-esque western characters makes for a movie that takes a turn we don’t expect and deserves re-evaluating. If you can stomach James Woods.

16/ ESCAPE FROM L.A. (1996) – I want to like this more, I really do, but it comes off sort of inept at times. It had a great trailer that I think caught the satirical tone much better, but it’s hobbled by poor production design and costuming. It’s a studio product, so maybe that’s the issue? Snake is not a company guy and lets face it, at heart… neither is Carpenter. It’s not a great fit. Snake looks too carefully styled to believe it’s really him. He’s a fashion victim version of an arse kicker here. It makes me wonder if maybe James Woods’ look in VAMPIRES wasn’t intentional when I see this, but still that managed to work. Does this? Only if we’re meant to not like Snake and I don’t think that’s ever going to be the case. So, shit happens and we’re meant to be excited, but we’re not. Snake does stuff, but it never really feels as if it matters. Satirical action ideas pop up but don’t really pay off (was Neil Marshall paying homage to THIS as much as the original when he made DOOMSDAY? I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, DOOMSDAY is more entertaining over all… just). And yet… the whole film is almost worth it for the ending **SPOILER ALERT** in which Snake switches the WHOLE WORLD offline. It’s a baller move. Properly in keeping with his character, and surely sets up a fully post apocalyptic world in which we are due one last movie with Snake. I dream of a set up wherein Snake is like Rooster Cogburn to a young woman seeking revenge in post apocalypse America.